Tears are for the weak.

So you may be wondering whats with the title. Well lets just say I really wish sometimes I could let the tears flow from my eyes like a water fall, but I can't. Why you may ask well I'll tell you. (Anyone who takes the time to read this I hope you aren't connected to my parents to the point you would tell on me I really don't need a lecture).

So I'll just start from the beginning. Being a baby you cry to communicate, a toddler cause someone won't give you something or you're attached to your parents and don't want to leave them. The older you get the less acceptable tears are to shed. If you hurt yourself or get hurt that's one thing, but to cry cause of a boy/girl is just dumb. I've never really understood why people cry over a boy/girlfriend because there was a reason why they didn't make it past the time they were with you.

I'm going to explain to you why crying seems unacceptable to me. Really it all boils down to my parents. When I feel like crying and they see me crying and I can't give them a good reason they laugh at me. So with that said I've learned to just bottle all my emotions inside, which I've heard is both unhealthy and dangerous. Growing up with guys I was always picked on and I cried because of it after awhile those tears turned to rage, and I just yelled at them to shut up or knock it off. That never worked the only thing that ever did was to tell on them which after awhile annoyed the parental units and just got myself into trouble.

My parents are normally the reason now that I ever want to just curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. Being the only one left in the house, if something goes wrong it's automatically my fault. If my dad has a rough day at work, just saying hi to him gets him all agitated and pissy. For my mom nothing I do seems good enough for her. She is going back to college after like thirty or so years and getting straight A's. Me I'm still in school and can't get a simple B. My parents think that since they're smart I should be to and there is nothing I can say to prove to them I'm not them. My mom is always saying why can't you get an A+ I can, you should be able to.

Stress is one reason why I want to cry. The other getting yelled at, if there's one thing I can't handle that's it right there, getting yelled at not only brings me to tears it pisses me off. Death is one obvious reason to cry, you lose someone important to you, you want to cry. I know I wanted to but at the same time I felt like I had to stay strong for my mom and other family members.

So this doesn't really make me wanna cry but it pisses me off the most. My mother is all that really needs to be said here but I'll go a little more into detail. Ever since I was like 10 my mother has tried to get me to lose weight because like I said, nothing I do is ever good enough and apparently that goes for looks too. The thing that bugs me the most about it is that she doesn't just say 'your fat' she does it in different ways. When we go to a store and try on clothes she'll grab my stomach and be all like "this would fit better if 'this' wasn't there", ya that's right she grabs my stomach and says that ALL the time. She also says things like you would feel so much better if you were 60 lbs. lighter. If that wouldn't piss you off I don't know what would.

Continuing with my mother. Not only will she tell me that I'm fat with out saying those exact words, she'll bribe me. "For every 10 lbs. you lose I'll give you 100 dollars", ya that's right money bribes or I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe. That's one of the things that pisses me off the most about her. She'll put me on diets or try to get me to work out for money. Wanna know her newest one that she's stooped so low to do. Drugs, she wrote a paper on this syndrome that I have don't ask I think doctors are retarded. Anyways she came across this drug that other women with the syndrome were raving about, they said that it was helping them have kids and they were just dropping the lbs. So the last time we went to the doctor she asked him about it and he agreed that I could do it because diabetics also take this drug and I was a little insulin resistant. So now I don't even know why I agreed to this because you wanna know something I'm perfectly fine with who I am and what I look like.

I guess when people say their parents are the ones they know they will always be able to turn to in the toughest of times doesn't account when you feel like your parents are always against you. I know if I ever did anything like got pregnant or even had sex outside of marriage they would disown me right then and there, or even if it was something as dumb as smoking or drinking underage. So even though I have lots of friends I don't like to burden them with my problems so I really have no one to turn to. Some of if not all of my friends have never seen me cry and that's why. I really wish I could tell people but at the same time I feel like whats the point they have their own burdens to bear without needing to add mine to their shoulders. I really wish I could tell my mother anything but I know she would be silently judging me the whole time I talked to her.

The whole reason I say tears are for the weak I hope you can now understand. For me to shed tears is to say I give up on all I've ever known. If you couldn't guess the whole reason I wrote this is because I really wanna break down into tears but as you've read I won't I'll just go to sleep and hope for the best. I guess this is where Bob comes in to help me out with my problems or the cat at least I can see and feel her. I love all my friends and the people in my life who have ever helped me. Especially Nicole and "Mom" you guys have been there for me a lot in the last year and I hope we can continue on for many many more years. Nena thanks for being pissed for me when I couldn't be, Kyle thanks for listening I know that you know where I'm coming for and you always have since we were growing up. Nica Thanks for making me laugh and teaching me to look on the bright side. Anyone else I forgot to thank I'm sure you did something to help and if you managed to read through this whole thing I know you mean something to me and I just forgot to thank you. And Ashley how could I forget you I love you doll ever since we met you've been my friend and I hope it will always stay that way.